Sausage Dancer, Your Life is Calling!


Column for October, 2006

I am reminded, now that my son is hitting forty (nearly) of those days, which kept me youthful, the child-raising years!
Perhaps I am abreacting, but I felt that a little teen fun was in order, after the realization that business, business, business has made of my open-minded offspring a more boring and narrow minded person than I ever believed possible.
When he was a young punk intellectual, all the kids wore T-shirts, which said "Bored to Death" on them. I can cheerfully say that I was never bored of the life that I had, watching my child play and grow, seeing that he evolved way out of the box, into someone, who, by the time he was 17 years old, blew my mind with philosophy that went way beyond any religious education that I had ever understood, so well!!
The young, hearty people with whom my son grew, played and "hung" kept me going! Their zest, politeness, sheer love and good health,a long with the brilliancy of that set was more than enough to repay for the hard times, those days when bread was hard to come by, or when Mommy had to lose out on a weeks' pay over illness or other emergencies - the trials that every young parent faces.
I must admit, now, that my own son has become startlingly less exhuberant and that there are times when he has been downright insulting.
I would rather not detail any familial complaints, but, to get even with D. Pierre Stouffenberger, I felt that Hallowe'en would be a great time to publish against the wall of undeserved heartlessness.


The following is a list of pseudo works, compiled by my son and his buddy, when they were both fourteen. They were seldom bored, and this small work exists to exhibit their humour and silliness, along with the terrific creativity and freedom allowed to youth, always!
I hope that he and his friend will be delighted to see what sentiments a Mother saves, and cherishes, even though love, tax and politics may have sent each spirit onto its own diverse roads to explore....



below, entitled:

Karl Schenheltzer (Famous Pompous Intellectual)


is what to expect from your own cherished, loveably moronic teens. We all said they were:



Full of Beans!



Karl Schenheltzer (Famous Pompous Intellectual)


BORN: 1896 DIED: 1983


Books by Karl Schenheltzer



  1. Damn, I'm Smart! (anthology)
  2. Read This! I Have a Higher IQ Than You
  3. You're Wrong! Listen to Me (co-written by famous smart guy, Phil Adams)
  4. Wow! Can He Act! (A directory of the films of Ron Reagan)
  5. Making Butternut Corner Cupboards the Correct Way
  6. And Who the Hell Are You?
  7. Real math. THe Way I DO IT (A grade 13 Reader)
  8. Inane thoughts to Match Your Tiny Minds
  9. Twelve Brilliant Thoughts (Karl F. Schenheltzer reveals all the secret conversations he has never had witht he Beatles)
  10. Four Guys I Know Nothing Aobut (see above)
  11. permanent press sandwich ( a book of absurd ideas by Mr. Schenheltzer)
  12. Ten Tons of Tie-Dyed Shrimp (Mr. Schenheltzers' solution to the problem of world hunger)
  13. It's Your Problem, Not Mine (co-written with Dr Mark Bellicose famous psychiatrist and psychopath)
  14. Learnigng to be AS GREAT AS I AM (this how-to essay woll bring you close to Mr. Schenheltzers' incredible intelligence.
  15. No, I DOn't Write My Own Reviews! (the author refukes the oft-argued point that His Holiness writes his own fantastic and beautiful promotional prose)
  16. The Many Wonderful Reviews I have Composed (Karl F. Schenheltzer breaks under public pressure and decides to make a coupla bucks off it)
  17. Who Wrote That? (It Certainly Wasn't Me!)
  18. How Can I Write So Many Books? (Karl F. Schenheltzer questions his own astounding intelligence)
  19. Here's How (Karl F. Schenheltzer offers his secret to writing so many books- for a modest price)
  20. A Medical Guide to Phasing Out Writers Cramp (ow! ow! ow! -ancient tribal secrets of hand protection and resurrection)
  21. Books You ProbablyOn't Want TO Read by Karl Flatulence Schenheltzer
  22. Big Words I Like to Use (so you can't understand me)
  23. Sausage Dancer, Your Life is Calling ( a "tell-all" biography of that realy smart guy- Phil Adams)
  24. The Blackboard Jungle (the unknown colony of ageing techers living in a primitive existence in the Amazon Basin)
  25. The Diaries of Amen-Hotep (and other lives that Karl F. Schenheltzer has lived)
  26. How Old Do You Think I am? (Oil of Olay Experiences of the author)
  27. Beans, Beans, Beans (Karls' middle name, and its true meaning)
  28. The Bean Cookbook (recipes that don't really work that well)
  29. Being a bean being (living the life of a bean plant, from seed to hanging vine)
  30. I Hate Banana Peels (practical jokes that have beenplayed on the author)
  31. Ramma- Lamma -Ding-Dong! (Everything that Karl F. Schenheltzer knows about rock and roll music)
  32. Oh, Blow it Out Your Nose! (ancient sneezing habits of historical figures uncovered by Karl F. Schenheltzer)
  33. Hanging Flypaper, The Artisitic Way ( with help from Caspar Weinburger, Karl F. Schenheltzer explored the myth of flypaper;its' ancient, decorative uses.
  34. Bird Calls That Don't Attract A Thing
  35. Olly Olly Oxen Free (the games of Hide and Seek that Karl F. Schenheltzer has played, with known pompous ntellectuals)
  36. Garbanzo! (Another Bean book by the famous author)
  37. I'l Have Another Piece of Pie (Karls' many secret rendezvous with the late Elvis Presley
  38. Sweaters I Like (romps with Karl F. Schenheltzer in a winter wonderland)
  39. Beanbag Chairs (Karl F. Schenheltzer reveals that he knows absolutely nothing about them)
  40. Disneyland, My Home Away From Home (Karl F. Schenheltzers' life-long love affair with Mickey Mouse)
  41. My Life, My Nose ( Mr. Schenheltzers' autobiographical account of everything he has ever smelled)
  42. Been There, Bean Here. (an atlas to the bean capitals of the world)
  43. The Tiny Wheels inside My Head (discussions on the secret society that controls Mr. Schenheltzers' every thought)
  44. Bonfires of the Sevengeti Plain (how Karl F. Schenheltzer nearly destroyed all of Africa)
  45. Burn! Burn! Burn! (Karl F. Schenheltzer frankly discusses his pyromania) ....{someone probably tried to light a bean fart- insight by parent}
  46. Bobo, My Dog ( a loving tale of the relationship between Karl F. Schenheltzer and the state of Wisconsin)
  47. Books, Books, and More Books- All of them by Karl F. Schenheltzer
  48. Peanuts, Don't They Look Like Beans? (a collection of Karl F. Schenheltzers' gretest, unheard of short stories.)
  49. Sixty-Seven Toes on My Left Foot (how to play magnificent piano with your feet)
  50. Mine, Mine, Mine ( Controlling Yor THoughts Through Brain Power (TM)
  51. The Existentialism of Beans (With help from Jean Paul Sartres' second cousins' best friends' sister, Mr. Schenheltzer disproves the common ant-bean thesis)
  52. Train Noises of The World (the cheerful "toots", "honks" and "whistles" of the worlds' locomotives
  53. Cheese Please Me (in co-operation with the Dairy Board of Ontario, the author says why he likes cheese)
  54. Gloes, Their MAny Splendoured Fingers (poems from the hands of Karl F. Schenheltzer)
  55. The Erotic Art of Charles Schultz (the adventures of Lucy and her companion, Snoopy)
  56. Beans I HAve Loved (the authors ' infatuation with beans is explored)
  57. The Barbers' Almanac (seasonal cuttings, and the slash and burn method of shaving)
  58. Breathe With Me (Karl F. Schenheltzer shows you the proper way to breathe) ....{NB: someone was politely alluding to the result of a bean dinner at close quarters?}
  59. Rabbits ad beans : The Mysterious Connection ( a greater mystery than Stonehenge or the Bermuda Triangle is detailed)
  60. Pickled Herring With Cajun Spice (from the famous Louisiana series that started it all)
  61. Louisiana and the Little Towns I Care For
  62. Mysteryof the Louisiana Perch Case
  63. Miles From Nowhere: Finding Your Way Through the Louisiana Bayou (this whole series reveals how little Karl F. Schenheltzer knows about the Louisiana Bayou)
  64. Accordion Playing for Well-Studied Sheep (refukes the myth that farm animals aren't musically talented)
  65. Letters to A Dead Man ( the unanswered and personal letters that the author has sent to VIncent van Gogh)
  66. The New Schenheltzer Alphabet (the correct one to use from now on)
  67. Passion-Beagles of Alpha-Centauri (Karl F. Schenheltzers' first attempt at science fiction)
  68. Great Art Through the Dark Ages ( once again the author reveals his lack of knowledge on a particular subject)
  69. Tune In, Turn On, Drop Out (Karl F. Schenheltzer talks with Timothy Leary)
  70. Buzz, Flutter, Chirp (Karl F. Schenheltzer explores his passion for insects)
  71. The Fab Four ( Schenheltzers' favourite four beetles)
  72. My Deity, My Bean ( the religious sect that has developed around Karls' bean books is laughed at)
  73. Funny Things I'm Bound to Say (stolen quotes and quips that Karl Schenheltzer would have said, anyway)
  74. Living With My Brain ( how to build an addition to your house for greater mental capacity) .... (note from Mother-that would be to accomodate the bulldozer necessary for Mothers' quest to clean up your existing space, at the time)
  75. Sticky Fingers (how Karl F. Schenheltzer claims that Mick Jagger has robbed him blind)
  76. Poodle Paranoia (the author diagrams the best ways to get rid of those curly menaces) (note from Mother: I always feared what I called "The Blue Poodle Stage", a time of creepish need for large collections of inanely expensive and useless shelves of blue china poodles. I oft said- 'may I never get to that stage, when nothing else matters!' !!


Well, my son - I have published. Just one of those reminders that youthful spontaneity and freedom can keep anyone going (unless they have bean allergies!)

Parents, if you're spooked out by learning handicaps, unruliness,or youthful rebellion, try blowing off some steam by fooling around just like this, until laughter gets the better of your fears! And, don't forget- the author of this list of silly titles went on to take Honours English Literature in University.



This Hallowe'en, call upon the spirit of generosity, both from your own hearts toward children, and from those pesky near-middle-aged kids , who tend to forget that their freedoms, concerns, and quests were all met by people very much like their still youthful selves- their long-suffering parents!

Bye for now,

Sue (famous pompous intellectual, or curly blue menace, as the case may be!)






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